Please don’t try and kid yourself and the rest of us you complete losers - shitty, safe Beck’s beer and Four Sisters Sauv Blanc that tastes like fucking dollar coins is more embarrassingly passable than cask wine and V.B. It’s the lamest fucking girlfriend/boyfriend combo drink out there - even worse than gay Peroni couples, and I really hate gay Peroni couples. Ooh, you’ve got your fucking air conditioner remote on standby in case it gets a little chilly-willy during din dins? A solitary mood mall-store candle (rendered superfluous with your safety lighting) to reinforce your
lovefear of dying alone? You’re so fucking disconnected you can’t even eat (let alone cook) the same bible meal and those tired flowers basically state “I’d like to merge my dick in your cunt” with the prose of a 3am sext.
Every single couple I meet these days is a complete embarrassment. Ben and Jerrying their way towards mediocrity and irrelevance, downloading mini-series in their snug Peter Alexander pyjamas pretending they are fucking adults with their laptop HBO. If you are one of those couples I can guarantee your parents are fucking ashamed of you and your comfortable pants and 8 hour tie-less work days reading top 10 Banksy picture galleries and flash-mob YouTubes at work. In their day, when the relationship hit that stale couple-of-year mark, they were fucking choking and pissing on each other while being duct taped to barbed wire, or going on proper holidays - like three uncontactable years in South America catching some romantic Malaria (as opposed to 6 months in London via Facebook catching functional Chlamydia).
How depressing; this generation’s couples are more boring than our parents. You all make me sick.